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Subject:hair question!!!!!
Time:09:13 pm
Current Mood:confusedconfused
Yo Ruby!

It has come to my attention as of late, that people all over America are very quick to deem someone's hair a "mullet." I am sorry, but I am a mullet purist, and believe that a TRUE mullet is like that of the achy- breaky version of Billy Ray Cyrus... or like Joe Dirt. But!!!! other people seem to think any variation of long hair is a mullet.

Please clear this up for me... because I am afraid I am getting a mullet.
AT LEAST in some people's opinions!

THANKS!
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Time:05:24 pm
My sweet and precious LJ Says,

What a thought-provoking question you pose. Thankfully, I have just the person who can quell your thirst for the answers.


Hey LJ Says,

It is a good thing i am an authority when it comes to sanctimonious douches! 

Let me break it down for you:

When people like me go twenty-five years before having their cherry popped and even then it's by the dirt-encrusted finger nail of a middle aged convenience store manager with red hair and pock marks, and then spend eight years at community college while working in a supermarket, only to become a phlebotomist, we tend to become SOUR and DESPICABLE and since no one in the real world takes us seriously (especially when our biggest talent is pretending to read tarot cards), we turn to LiveJournal which is just flourishing with ripe young talent which we will then seek out and begin leaving shit-eating comments to so that their self-worth will be lowered JUST LIKE OURS.

Another important fact to know is that people of my ilk generally do not have real life friends. Maybe they might have trashy drinking buddies, but generally we will come home from a soul-sucking day at work, pop a TV dinner in the microwave, and settle down to a stock pile of old Roseanne episodes that we have been recording on VHS tapes since the nineties. Then we will practice our Roseanne laugh impression and hop online to see who needs the SNARK delivered to them.

We HATE it when people are better than us or are actively making positive changes to their lives. We always have to have the last word and it has to be funny, so very funny, but very biting at the same time which will hopefully make the recipient cry, eat a batch of brownies, and suitably gain five pounds.

Anything you do, people like me can do better and we are not afraid to tell you that! Usually we will end it with YER WELCOME and then promptly jump offline where our boyfriends/husbands will refuse to go down on us for the tenth year in a row so we'll sleep on the couch with our fifteen cats. 

See, the best part is that we can do all of these things, and we can get away with it, because you can't see how pitiful and ugly we are through your monitor! We can give you the impression that we are six-foot-tall fashionistas with flawless skin while we're telling you that you're fat and that diet you're on will NEVER work and you should just be happy with your body the same way that we are. But the joke's on you, see, because we're NOT happy! We kind of want to slit our wrists but can't even muster up enough energy for THAT. Drinking vodka and cranberry juice and Mike's Hard Lemonade while phoning in our American Idol votes takes A LOT out of us.

And if you come and join our team, you can have it all, too! All the long restless nights filled with tear-drenched envy and, bad grammar, made-up vocabulary words spawned from watching too much Sci Fi, a closetful of non-descript Kmart brand sweatshirts and lots of lottery-winnins that can be used to purchase new friends by buying rounds for the bar flies at the corner pub.

I hope this helps. 

Your sanctimonious friend,

CHRISTINE HANEY

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Time:06:30 pm
Current Mood:amusedamused
Dear Ruby,

Why are there so many moronic jackasses on LJ? I seem to encounter an inordinate number of self-righteous, sanctimonious losers that think I actually give a shit. Do you know why?

Thanks for any light you can shed on this!

LJ Says
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Time:06:58 pm


Go here and have the funzOrz!
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Subject:A Sex question...
Time:11:05 pm
Hey ruby...
I've been searching the internet for info that I cannot seem to find... and in my frustration a lightbulb suddenly went off in my mind... just ask Ruby!
SOOO, here's my question...
I'm trying to figure out at what age women's libido's are the highest... you know, when are we the most love-hungry... cause lately man, my libido's gone WAY up out of nowhere and i'm wondering if perhaps its just a fluke caused by the lonely bug... or maybe i'm in some sort of "peak" and this is the prime time for getting it on... I worry, because everytime I get into a relationship my sex drive turns to zero and it usually screws up the relationship... now that im single all of a sudden i'm dying for sex and i'm hoping that maybe this means i've reached a new point and when i finally get into a new relationship I'll be a much more willing and all around better partner...
help!

thanks!
erica
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Subject:help me!
Time:06:20 pm
Hey Ruby...
k first off, i am a MAJOR fan of your journal... major major... with each entry i read i agree with myself more and more that you really should just compile them all, put them in a book, and wait for the money to sail in... because i most certainly know i would fork out $19.99 to read 493 pages of the most random encounters you have in your life... you make them all SO funny and interesting, even the most minor seeming things.

ANYHOW- all praise aside, i do have a question for you. It's actually a worry of mine... and ive been thinking "god i wish there was some community where i could go and ask about this and people would know the answer"... but i dont know of any, so i thought id let ya take a shot at it:
Im on birth control, see... been on it for oh bout a year... and then recently this past month, i was expecting a visit from my boyfriend (we're apart for the summer)... and it happened to be that he was visiting RIGHT on the days when i was supposed to take those horrid little green devil pills that cause you to bleed your life away... and of course i didnt want to have my period during my boys visit.... so i had heard that you could totally just skip over those green pills and go right on to the next months pills, completely skipping over your period. This sounded heavenly, so without letting my brain or good sense get a word in, i started the next months pills immidiately, passing over the period completely. The boy came, it was very good. So my worry now... as im almost all the way through this months pack, is... if i took almost all of last months pack... and ovulated that 3rd week... then there was an egg in me, as the pill likes to trick your body to think that you're pregnant. The green pills as i understand, are just sugar pills, to make your body flush out that random egg.... but since i never did that... and then had sex (unprotected sex, and quite a bit of it)... and now... perhaps theres ANOTHER egg inside of me since i never dumped the last one... does this make my risk of getting pregnant more possible or likely? Cause ive had pretty damned bad cramps the last week, annnd i randomly threw up this morning, so of course that got me thinking the worst. I dont know if it makes any difference at all to the pills protection of me, just wanted to see if maybe you could find any info on that, itd be GREATLY appreciated!!
Thanks!
a big fan,
erica
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Time:05:12 pm
Dear leota,

In order to erect (GET IT) the answer to your question, I had to consult with my resident penis-haver, Mr. mehoover himself. I'm now going to hand over the reigns to him.

HELLO LeoTa!!! Its me, hoover!

your question is rilly intresting. i will say that YES pee boners is REAL cuz when i go pee my weenr is harder than whjen it isnt. i mean, it does not get as hard as it does when i is peeking out the window at my neighbor CHRIs but yes it gets a little harder than normal.

mayBe tim is just to embrased to tell u that his weewee gets hard when he peepees?

KISSES,
HOOVER
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Time:10:36 pm
Current Mood:frustratedfrustrated
For the omnipresent saucalisha:

First of all, two questions in less than one week is pretty alarming. Perhaps you should ask the Easter Bunny for a Magic 8 Ball?

Second, I must admit that your inquisition stumped even someone as intuitive as myself. I am delighted to announce that I am handing the torch to my cat sinistermitch for this one.

So we meet again. Splendid.

To answer your question, there is reason why fools like yourself cease being happy once they ask themselves if they are, in fact, happy.

My Father (Lucifer), sensing the doubt from you humans, uses this as an opportunity to deploy his minion of crows and vultures, who in turn swarm around and annihilate any trace of happiness that may have escaped from mouths upon its utterance.

AND IF YOU DO NOT BELIEVE ME, MAYBE I CAN DEMONSTRATE THE NEXT TIME I SEE YOU.

Affably your's,
Marcy
sinistermitch


Wow, Saucey. That was pretty heavy. Have fun digesting that one!

Much love and pickle paste,
RUBY
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Current Music:Jeremy | Pearl Jam
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Subject:Confucius say "Eh?"
Time:02:36 pm
Current Mood:confusedconfused

Dear Omnipotent Ruby:

I heard somewhere that the minute you ask yourself if you are happy, you stop being happy. Is that true? Is it the fact that if you have to ask yourself if you are happy then you really aren't, or is it that the intense reflection on your state of happiness causes you to be critical of your happiness, and then you reflect on the things you are unhappy about instead?

Everly grateful,

Saucey

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Time:08:44 am
Dear Madam saucalisha:

Mama Ruby is sorry for the delay in answering your vexing question. Let's review the vitals, shall we? Bats and rats rhyme....why don't rats...hang upside down, too....like bats....Oh ok.

Rats CAN hang upside up, just as their brethren in rhyme can. Observe:

GOD I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DIDN'T KNOW THAT!

Here's to shooting sunshine from your ass,
RUBY
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[icon] If you want to know why your cock itches....
View:Recent Entries.
View:Archive.
View:Friends.
View:Profile.
You're looking at the latest 10 entries.
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